Leaders: It’s Time… Turn the Lights On
by Dr. Lori Hart
Leader, from whatever lens you are reading this post, YOU are a leader. Maybe you are an officer, a new member, someone considering joining an organization, or a loved one of a young person in a fraternity or sorority.
YOU are the leader I am talking to.
I am often called in when things aren’t going great at a university, within a council or an organization. Several years ago, an IFC had eight hazing reports over the course of a weekend, and they asked me to spend time with the community leaders.
The following Sunday, I found myself with every IFC fraternity and each organization brought five officers (President, Vice President, Risk Manager, New Member Educator, Standards/Accountability). We spent four hours together talking about problems, research, holding space for the tough questions, prevention science.
It almost feels wrong to say I love this work, but I do. I feel encouraged and privileged to be in these rooms because after decades of working with communities I hold a deep belief in two things:
Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. As humans we don’t intuitively need research to back that up; however, the Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed men, their spouses or partners, and their children for more than 85 years. So, this information is research, not just an idea.
Safety is the foundation. Psychologist Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs suggests that people must first feel physically and psychologically safe before they can fully experience love, belonging, and connection. When people are worried about being harmed, humiliated, excluded, or pressured, they cannot focus on forming relationships.
It’s August, and it’s no different than past years.
I have friends whose children are going through a recruitment process to join a fraternity or sorority. These young people are amazing. These people would be great members. But my phone is ringing again. Texts are coming in. We are screwing it up on DAY ONE! Humiliation, blindfolds, taking phones, yelling, mind games, darkness in basements for hours.
That’s how we welcome new members?
Let me be clear: I will take take action. I’ll report it. I’ll help you report it. If it starts this way, it’s not going to get better. I don’t care about the metaphorical people in the basement. “We” – including a lot of you who will read this post – have tried for years to turn the ship. Let me count the ways that come to mind…
Advisor and Volunteer Education
Amnesty Policy
Anonymous Reporting Options
Bystander Intervention Education
Call or text 911 for emergencies or health and safety checks
Chapter Coaching Models
Code of Conduct
College Speakers
Community Building Programs
Council Education
Federal Laws
Hazing Policy
High School Speakers
Learning Management Systems
Local Advisors
Membership Intake
New Member Education
Parents speaking about the loss of their children, urging us to keep people safe.
Peer Education
Region/District/Province Advisors
Reporting Options
Research
Risk Management Education
Shortened new member periods to six weeks or a few days.
Social Norms Campaigns
State Laws
Webinars / Trainings / Conferences
Wellness and Mental Health Resources
Leaders, the one thing missing in the exhaustive list is you. Leaders need to do something.
What is your something?
Going back to where I started…spending time with an IFC on a Sunday. The men sitting in table rounds with their organizational members.
There was a fraternity member, a chapter leader, second table to my right, who was uncomfortable the whole time. He looked mad, he didn’t say much, he moved around in this chair a lot.
At the end of the program, each participant had to say one small thing they would do to DISRUPT hazing. People were giving me Bible verses, saying the right things, giving me hope and then this young man stood up and looked at me, stared at me, and said “You have my commitment, I am going to turn the lights on.” I asked if he wanted to say anything else (like tell me why the hell are the lights are out?) and he politely said, “no ma'am, but you have my commitment that I am turning the lights on.” That was it. I knew he would do it.
There’s a lot being done to try and mitigate hazing.
But maybe no one has directly asked you:
WILL YOU TURN THE LIGHTS ON?
Everyone is a leader when it comes to the health and safety of the community.
OFFICERS: Your voice matters. Student leaders have more influence on organizational culture than they realize. Research shows that members take cues from leaders not simply from the information they share, but from how leaders talk about an issue and whether they communicate that it is a priority. When leaders openly address concerns, reinforce expectations, and make it clear that harmful behaviors are unacceptable, members are more likely to view those issues as important and worthy of action. In the fight against hazing, this means speaking up matters publicly, in group texts, in writing, and talking directly to the people causing the problem.
JOINING A FRATERNITY AND SORORITY: You have power. A colleague of mine who works on a college campus said this to me recently “I want more students to know that they can walk away like you would from any ‘friends’ that were mistreating you. There is so much power they have in spite of what’s done to haze it out of them.” If all you can do is walk away and love yourself first, do it. If you can find courage to report hazing, do it.
THE ASSHOLE: Stop it. Repeatedly, the same story emerges: there are “five assholes” doing the harm. In the basement, on the group chats, going around the rules to gain access to the new members. If you are that person, examine your humanity. What happened to you that makes you feel you should do harm to others? My guess is this. You were treated like this last year. How did you feel then? Did you wish it away? Did you power through? Did you say to yourself, not next year? Here we are. A new group in front of you. Resenting you. Wishing you away. If you look in the mirror and know you can do better - it's time.. You are putting your organization at risk. You are putting your future at stake. And most importantly, you are harming people. In the end, you are an asshole. Clean your own room. Buy your own fast food at 2 a.m. Disrupt the ‘last year’. Or do us a favor and go away.
QUIET MEMBERS: We need you! Those “five assholes” speak loudly. You are looking for the officers to speak up and yet it feels quiet. So, you stay away, you get involved in other organizations, you avoid chapter events and you avoid things that involve the new members. You might help the new members by giving them a place to rest in your room. This isn’t enough. This is your chapter; you need to get to work. Speak up, run for office, show up, stand up for people when they can’t stand up for themselves. Over and over, I see this large group of people who are good, who know things are wrong and yet chapters get shut down because this group chooses to defer responsibility. Don’t do that.
LOVED ONES: Report it. Parents, I am going to be honest, you shock me sometimes. Your attitudes, your tolerance, your longing for them to be initiated regardless of safety. College students, I am going to be honest, you shock me sometimes. Your tolerance for people in your community being harmed mentally, physically, and emotionally and you won’t speak up. You have a moral responsibility to report, speak up, intervene, when you know something.
LEADERS: We are all leaders. Imagine if we all acted like leaders, turned the lights on, and focused on safety. Maybe, just maybe, the ship turns that extra degree in the direction we’ve been looking for. After 85 years of research we know that good relationships keep us healthier and happier.
That’s what I want for you, to be healthier and happier. That’s why and how I show up to the tough rooms and conversations I’m invited to. A better relationship starts with action, change, a simple flick of a light switch.
About Dr. Lori Hart
For over thirty years, she has been the 'go-to guru' for taking the messiest, most complex problems on college campuses and turning them into systems that make sense.
She’s a researcher, a champion for student health, and a parent who understands exactly what’s at stake. She believes that we don't need more rules, we need better relationships.
Looking to sit down on a Sunday for tough conversation with your brothers? Your community? Your peers?
It’s time to turn the lights on.